When it comes to relationships, most of us are winging it.
We enter into them with high hopes and the excitement of new love, but as we move into the daily grind of life, our personal baggage can start to creep in.
Hurt feelings, emotional withdrawal, escalating conflict, insufficient coping techniques, and plain boredom can all take their toll. Making and keeping happy and healthy relationships is hard; there’s no denying it.
However, a growing research into relationships provides science-based guidance on the habits of the healthiest, happiest couples and how to make any struggling relationship better.
The science of love and relationships boils down to fundamental lessons that are simultaneously simple, obvious, and difficult to master: empathy, positivity, and a strong emotional connection drive the happiest and healthiest relationships.
Emotional Responsiveness
According to clinical psychologist, Sue Johnson, the secret to loving relationships and keeping them strong and vibrant over the years, is emotional responsiveness. This responsiveness is all about sending a cue and having the other person respond to it. Johnson believes that the most important question in love is, “Are you there for me?” It’s not just about having a friend to help with chores, but about emotional synchronicity and being tuned in.

Every couple has differences, and what makes couples unhappy is when they have an emotional disconnection, and they can’t feel a sense of secure base or a safe haven with their partner.
Johnson notes that criticism and rejection, often met with defensiveness and withdrawal, are exceedingly distressing and something our brain interprets as a danger cue.
To foster emotional responsiveness between partners, Johnson pioneered Emotionally Focused Therapy, in which couples learn to bond through conversations that express needs and avoid criticism. Couples must learn how to talk about feelings in ways that bring the other person closer.
Keeping Things Positive
According to Carrie Cole, director of research for the Gottman Institute, emotional disengagement can easily happen in any relationship when couples are not doing things that create positivity.
That focus on positivity is why the Gottman Institute has embraced the motto “small things often.” The Gottman Lab has been studying relationship satisfaction since the 1970s, and that research drives the Institute’s psychologists to encourage couples to engage in small, routine points of contact that demonstrate appreciation.
One easy place to start is to find ways to compliment your partner every day, says Cole — whether it’s expressing your appreciation for something they’ve done or telling them, specifically, what you love about them. This exercise can accomplish two beneficial things: First, it validates your partner and helps them feel good about themselves. And second, it helps to remind you why you chose that person in the first place.
Listen to the Brain, Not Just Your Heart
When it comes to the brain and love, biological anthropologist and Kinsey Institute senior fellow Helen Fisher has found, after putting people into a brain scanner, that there are three essential neuro-chemical components found in people who report high relationship satisfaction: practicing empathy, controlling one’s feelings and stress, and maintaining positive views about your partner.

In happy relationships, partners try to empathize with each other and understand each other’s perspectives instead of constantly trying to be right. Controlling your stress and emotions boils down to a simple concept: “Keep your mouth shut and don’t act out,” says Fisher.
If you can’t help yourself from getting mad, take a break by heading out to the gym, reading a book, playing with the dog, or calling a friend—anything to get off a destructive path. Keeping positive views of your partner, which Fisher calls “positive illusions,” are all about reducing the amount of time you spend dwelling on negative aspects of your relationship.

“No partner is perfect, and the brain is well built to remember the nasty things that were said,” says Fisher. “But if you can overlook those things and just focus on what’s important, it’s good for the body, good for the mind, and good for the relationship.”
On top of these core elements, communication is also key in healthy relationships. Partners need to be able to communicate effectively and respectfully, listening actively and speaking honestly. It’s important to address issues as they arise and work towards finding solutions together.
It’s also essential to make time for each other, whether it’s scheduling date nights or just taking a few minutes each day to check in with each other. Spending quality time together helps to maintain that emotional connection and strengthen the bond between partners.

Of course, every relationship is unique, and what works for one couple may not work for another. However, by focusing on emotional responsiveness, positivity, and maintaining a strong emotional connection, couples can build a foundation for a happy and healthy relationship.
Making and keeping happy and healthy relationships is hard work, but with the right tools and mindset, it’s possible. By incorporating science-based guidance into our relationships, we can be more empathetic, positive, and emotionally connected with our partners, leading to stronger and more fulfilling relationships.